We are created with a space inside us that cannot be filled by anything else. That's how we are made - our physical and chemical make up. When we give ourselves to the acceptance of Jesus life and death on that cross, God plants a seed of His Spirit in that spot. We can water and feed that seed or let it dry up.
In this world today there are so many people are hurting, wandering and searching for whatever will fill that empty space. Some look for other people to fill that space: a spouse or a friend. Some turn to drugs or alcohol. Even shopping, gambling, sex, video games, pornography, social media, a social life, career, stock market, a hobby, exercise or any other hollow thing. A hollow thing cannot fill space. By hollow, I mean without substance or meaning; self consuming.
I can think back on so many years of "stupid". I believe my stupidity came mostly from anger. I was angry about my sexual abuse as a child. I felt dirty; like I had a huge secret - a dirty monster secret. I was ashamed. (Shame is a huge factor with sexual abuse; especially in children.) There was this idea of hiding the dirty monster secret out of shame. You dare not let anyone know. Don't tell. Don't discuss it with anyone. This monster hung around in the corner of every room; always present and accusing.
There were times I would find myself in a situation where I felt comfortable with a friend or in a group and I would just mention the abuse. Inevitably, the first question from anyone was, "Why didn't you tell someone?" Never ask an abused child or person that question! It is condemning. It places blame on the wrong person. This child or person already feels condemned, dirty, guilty and ashamed. (You cannot relate if you have not been there.) These feelings in me turned to anger. I was angry toward men. At the same time, I wanted a man to love me - to make up for the missing father.
There was a step father in the house because my father had left. A child takes things personal. His leaving left me feeling unwanted and confused over what I had done to drive him away. When my father lived with us, he doted on me. There was now an empty spot in our family that needed filled. The relationship between a girl and her father is unique to nothing else. It can set the stage for relationships with men the rest of her life. I was not complete without that relationship; the doting man. My child's mind turned assigned blame to my mother.
A feeling of "empty" dominated my life. I tried to fill it with relationships - one after another. I was confused, seeking that illusive "something" to fill that empty spot inside me. I was so desperate that I put a sign on my back that read, "Kick me!". This sign could only be seen by men who wanted to take advantage of women for their own selfish agenda. This went on for years; until my mid thirties.
I tried group therapy; Oh, that was fun! - NOT! Therapy can be a good thing. I was in a community group of self pity. I tried drinking and bar hopping. There was that long list of relationships that just added to the dirty feeling. Anger surfaced in various ways: drinking, teasing, independence, rebellion, a loud and dominating personality. I had a pastor tell me that he knew I was hurting because of how loud I laughed; I tried to hard to be happy.
Let me say here that I have secrets. Things I never told my mother, things I will not tell my husband. My closest friends would not know how to understand. If you do not deal with your secrets, they will make you sick. I was sick emotionally and the physical aspects are now surfacing as a delayed reaction. The seeds of illness have now grown into full maturity through high blood pressure, blood sugar and various allergies through a compromised immune system.
My worldly options were exhausted. I tried everything I could to run headlong over a cliff (so to speak).
When I was sitting with a loaded gun in my hand, God spoke through a whisper from somewhere deep inside me.
I returned to childhood teachings of my mother and, in gut wrenching prostration, returned to church. I was the prodigal daughter coming home to the spiritual Father that I can always count on. This Father never leaves me, forgave me, made me whole, listens to me, heals me, gave me hope and tenderly loves me forever. He knows ALL my secrets but can't see them. He sees me through the blood that Christ shed - as a pure and holy child of His, redeemed. He has made me a princess daughter in His Kingdom forever. I am the righteousness of God through His first born son, Jesus.
I have scars on my soul. The scabs and pain are gone. My life is changed forever. Life is full. There is no more "empty" inside. I am filled with warm, sincere desires to love, share, help, teach and to be with God, my Father, in this life and the next.
Amen
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