Thus says the LORD, Who gives the sun for light by day And the fixed
order of the moon and the stars for light by night, Who stirs up the sea
so that its waves roar; The LORD of hosts is His name: Jeremiah 31:35
In the verse above and Exodus 15:11, we are reminded of the awesome
power and authority of God. When we understand this, we develop what is
known as "awe" of God. Awe is a reverential fear. This is not fear
that sends us running for a secure place to hide (as if that existed
with God). This is the type of fear that recognizes the power and
majesty of the All Might; the type of fear that produces respect for the
greatest power in the universe that loves us beyond any human
understanding. We see and understand the power of our Creator. This
can be related to the awe we had of our parents when we were young. We
recognized that they had the power to reject, reward, discipline, deny,
give and create the atmosphere of our lives.
Once we reach this
state of "awe", we want to worship and praise in gratitude - just as we
felt about our parents. When young, they controlled our entire world
and we stood in awe of the way they went about the business of work and
providing everything. In Psalm 68:35, we are told of the power of God
that He can give to us. In Isaiah 66:2, we are told of who He favors
among His people.
Our parents were proud of us and bragged on us
when we were respectful. We were rewarded when we obeyed them and did
as we were instructed. I recognized that my mother had all authority
and she demanded respect. We feared what she could do if she did not
get that respect (awe) through our disobedience. At the same time, we
were certain of her love because of the way she commanded right living.
I loved my mother, obeyed her and she returned this with love. I
respected her for her power over me and she loved me for it.
God
bestows good things, blessings, on those who who trust Him. Psalm
31:19. In Luke 1:50, we are told that proper fear of God grants us
mercy from Him. We learn in Psalm 103:11 that God loves those who love
Him. Love comes from respect, a type of awe. Isaiah 33:6 tells us that
through fear/awe of the Lord, we will be given salvation, wisdom and
knowledge as treasure.
The Lord listens to and hears those who
fear Him. Malachi 3:16-17 Proverbs 14:27 tells us we can receive
health and long life through fear of the Lord. Proverbs 19:23 goes
further to add that our life will be content and untouched by trouble
when we fear Him. Finally, we see in Proverbs 22:4 that even riches and
honor are added to our life for fearing the Lord.
How do we
stand in awe and fear the Lord? We accept His unconditional love and
grace imparted to us as a free gift through the sacrifice of His son on
the cross.
We do not have to earn this love from God; His grace is a free gift. Our sins were forgiven on the cross. Hebrews 10:12 Amen
Without Jesus, we will always want.
We are created with a space inside us that cannot be filled by anything else. That's how we are made - our physical and chemical make up. When we give ourselves to the acceptance of Jesus life and death on that cross, God plants a seed of His Spirit in that spot. We can water and feed that seed or let it dry up.
In this world today there are so many people are hurting, wandering and searching for whatever will fill that empty space. Some look for other people to fill that space: a spouse or a friend. Some turn to drugs or alcohol. Even shopping, gambling, sex, video games, pornography, social media, a social life, career, stock market, a hobby, exercise or any other hollow thing. A hollow thing cannot fill space. By hollow, I mean without substance or meaning; self consuming.
I can think back on so many years of "stupid". I believe my stupidity came mostly from anger. I was angry about my sexual abuse as a child. I felt dirty; like I had a huge secret - a dirty monster secret. I was ashamed. (Shame is a huge factor with sexual abuse; especially in children.) There was this idea of hiding the dirty monster secret out of shame. You dare not let anyone know. Don't tell. Don't discuss it with anyone. This monster hung around in the corner of every room; always present and accusing.
There were times I would find myself in a situation where I felt comfortable with a friend or in a group and I would just mention the abuse. Inevitably, the first question from anyone was, "Why didn't you tell someone?" Never ask an abused child or person that question! It is condemning. It places blame on the wrong person. This child or person already feels condemned, dirty, guilty and ashamed. (You cannot relate if you have not been there.) These feelings in me turned to anger. I was angry toward men. At the same time, I wanted a man to love me - to make up for the missing father.
There was a step father in the house because my father had left. A child takes things personal. His leaving left me feeling unwanted and confused over what I had done to drive him away. When my father lived with us, he doted on me. There was now an empty spot in our family that needed filled. The relationship between a girl and her father is unique to nothing else. It can set the stage for relationships with men the rest of her life. I was not complete without that relationship; the doting man. My child's mind turned assigned blame to my mother.
A feeling of "empty" dominated my life. I tried to fill it with relationships - one after another. I was confused, seeking that illusive "something" to fill that empty spot inside me. I was so desperate that I put a sign on my back that read, "Kick me!". This sign could only be seen by men who wanted to take advantage of women for their own selfish agenda. This went on for years; until my mid thirties.
I tried group therapy; Oh, that was fun! - NOT! Therapy can be a good thing. I was in a community group of self pity. I tried drinking and bar hopping. There was that long list of relationships that just added to the dirty feeling. Anger surfaced in various ways: drinking, teasing, independence, rebellion, a loud and dominating personality. I had a pastor tell me that he knew I was hurting because of how loud I laughed; I tried to hard to be happy.
Let me say here that I have secrets. Things I never told my mother, things I will not tell my husband. My closest friends would not know how to understand. If you do not deal with your secrets, they will make you sick. I was sick emotionally and the physical aspects are now surfacing as a delayed reaction. The seeds of illness have now grown into full maturity through high blood pressure, blood sugar and various allergies through a compromised immune system.
My worldly options were exhausted. I tried everything I could to run headlong over a cliff (so to speak).
When I was sitting with a loaded gun in my hand, God spoke through a whisper from somewhere deep inside me.
I returned to childhood teachings of my mother and, in gut wrenching prostration, returned to church. I was the prodigal daughter coming home to the spiritual Father that I can always count on. This Father never leaves me, forgave me, made me whole, listens to me, heals me, gave me hope and tenderly loves me forever. He knows ALL my secrets but can't see them. He sees me through the blood that Christ shed - as a pure and holy child of His, redeemed. He has made me a princess daughter in His Kingdom forever. I am the righteousness of God through His first born son, Jesus.
I have scars on my soul. The scabs and pain are gone. My life is changed forever. Life is full. There is no more "empty" inside. I am filled with warm, sincere desires to love, share, help, teach and to be with God, my Father, in this life and the next.
Amen
