Despair

People are always quick with advice that makes everything worse instead of better; they always repeat the same cliche' .  They mean well.  They actually want to help but there is little they can do and even less they can say that will help.  Truth is, despair is a lonesome valley and you are the only one who can walk through it, by yourself.  

About seven years were spent writing down my pitiful youth and all the mistakes I made because I let others have control over my self worth.  It took me a long time to be able to look back over all the losses and disappointments and see how it all happened for a reason.  There was loss of children, rejection, divorce, loss, grief, failure, drinking, more loss, disease, more divorce, more rejection and more loss.  I ran from myself and suppressed feelings and memories until I was numb - without any feeling.  I was in that "lonesome valley" all by myself.

At my lowest emotional point, I had a loaded gun in my hand trying to decide the most effective way to use it so I would actually kill myself and not make a mistake that would leave me a cripple the rest of my life.  That would have been worse than death:  drooling, blind, in a wheel chair and/or wearing a diaper with others wiping my chin, or my "cheeks".  Thoughts like this are enough to make you hesitate - at least.

For me, it was God.  I did not hear a voice.  I did not see a burning bush.  There was no lightening or thunder.  Just a quiet thought planted in my head.  It was the perfect thought to stop me.  It was God relating to me, through the Holy Spirit, in a way I could understand.  Let me print a few lines from my book, "Evidence of God":

Late one evening, after business hours, sitting in the back room of my shop, I was holding a loaded gun in my lap.  I had taken it from John’s dresser when I moved out.  Must have sat there for a long time watching light on the wall turn to shadow.  I wasn’t thinking, just being numb.  When thoughts did return, they were about how to do it: in the mouth, in the ear, my temple?  Was the safety off?  Was it a tight trigger?  Lots of questions.

The thing about happiness: It’s a choice.   But, I was a prisoner of the pain.   Suicide is desperate, it is hostile, it is tragic.  These are the legacies for those left behind after suicide: guilt, anger, doubt, blame, fear, rejection, abandonment and profound grieving.  Most people don’t want to talk about it, don’t even want to think about it.  It is too raw and it’s way too confusing.
The bottom of my life had come up and smashed me in the face.  You don’t get over major life obstacles; you go through them.  You never forget; you learn to live with the memories.   What seemed like impossible obstacles in my life were a series of great opportunities that I could not see from my pit of depression - that "lonesome valley".

The olive, grape and grain are used through out the Bible as examples in stories and parables.   Each one has to be crushed before it can be used for oil, wine and bread.  Just as these examples tell us, God has to crush us before He can use us.

As I sat there, a voice came into my head.  A small voice way in the back, soft but clear.  “You can’t give life, so you can’t take life.”

That’s all I can recall.  I’m writing this text today so I must not have pulled the trigger.   The pastor’s remark comes back to me about getting baptized quickly because trials were coming.  In my heart, I am convinced it was the spirit of God speaking to me that night as evidence of God’s patience, wisdom and love. 

No way am I suggesting that you get a loaded gun to get an answer from God or otherwise.  Just want to relate a few thoughts I had/have about the subject.  I do want to tell you that there is a way out - always.  BUT, it isn't an easy one.  If it were, there would be no meaning to life.  YOU have to find YOUR way.  YOU have to learn to live with your issues without revenge or grudges.  You have to find the loving way for it to work.  God is really the easiest way.  Call on Him.  Ask for an answer.  Dump on Him, tell Him how you feel.  I mean, really pour it out.  Find professional help if you need it.  Call a help line. 

Life is an amazing gift from God.  The enemy is real and he wants your life.  The devil wants you dead.  This is something that is hard to see when you are in that valley.  He doesn't want to see you alive, happy or prospering the way God does.  GOD LOVES YOU!  You, Y-O-U were created individual with your unique traits and personality because you are special to Him.  He does not want to see you in despair, unhappy, suffering or without any necessity.  Take my word for it.  I've been there.  I found my way out.  It wasn't easy but I am stronger, more confident, healthier, happier and more prosperous for going THROUGH it.  I didn't have to do it all alone.  God took my hand and we walked out of that lonesome valley together.  It is worth the fight.  It is worth it to be alive.