Memories From Childhood

 NATIONAL GRANDPARENTS' DAY !!! September 7:
I was so blessed to know a great-grandmother and a great-grandfather growing up. Both were a real "hoot".
 
> Great-grandfather would take me to the local grocery, set me on the counter to show everyone his great-grandchild BUT . . . only if I was clean and dressed up. This big nosed, bald man loved any old western on television. He went dancing every Saturday night in his pin-stripe suit with watch chain dangling and chewing Black Jack gum. He swallowed a teaspoon of Vicks Vapo Rub every night at bed time. The man lived into his 90's with one kidney.

> Great-grandmother worked as a tailor at a men's store, would take us to the circus and eat cotton candy. She took us to the fair and rode the roller coaster with my brother and the ferris wheel with me. She bought tickets and took us to TV wrestling matches where she would sit on the front row and yell, "Git him, git him!, pin him down!" She was an old lady who never grew old. I will never forget the way she washed our hands - not with a cloth but with her hands. I remember the way she washed my eyes open with a warm cloth, when I had whooping cough.

> Paternal grandmother was a "vamp" singer in the style of Kate Smith and Sophie Tucker was a professed Catholic who never went to church. I remember watching her get ready for an appearance by putting on false nails and lashes, shaving and repainting her eyebrows and using those long metal waving combs to set her hair. She baked the best sugar cookies in the world and always made amazing cakes for our birthdays: dolls in cake dresses, a merry-go-round with animals that carried candles, cars and clowns. At Easter, she turned eggs into dolls. She loved to braid my hair and tie big bows on the ends. Her kitchen drawers were toy chests full of wooden spoons and cookie cutters.

> My mother's mother (my American Indian grandmother) was up at dawn to prime her well pump and hoe the corn before the sun got hot, in a large straw bonnet. She canned the best bread and butter pickles and let me eat all I wanted. There was a metal bucket of water in the kitchen with a rusty ladel that everyone use. She always had a black cat around - said they were lucky. Her outhouse had a wasp nest at the door and - two seats - ? I climbed her apple tree with a salt shaker and ate until I was sick. I sat in the limbs of the mulberry tree, overhanging the road, and flicked little green spiders off the berries to eat them as cars passed below. (Mother would have whipped me if she knew.) I ran her corn fields until dark, playing with kids across the road. I remember warm baths in a galvanized tub beside her pot belly stove while she poured baking soda water over my chicken pocks. And, she had the gentlest stroke when brushing my hair and relating Indian folktales. We ate diabetic ice cream and she always let me run free. She was my favorite.

> Grandfather said she didn't know how to boil water when he married her. They separated before I remember. He was a house painter and when my father left, grandfather moved in to be chief cook and babysitter while mother worked. He practiced tough love and taught me to cipher, cook, look people in the eye, shake a firm hand, stand up straight, color mixing and how to run a chalk line. He played the harmonica and spoons and we danced with abandon. We cleaned wallpaper with putty, painted the walls every two years and I listened in awe to his childhood stories of a one room school house he walked to in his bare feet in 12 inches of snow - up hill both ways. No one messed with his grandkids and we adored him to pieces.

I do not remember any of them ever going to church on Sundays. The Indian grandmother is the only one I know of who read the Bible. God provided a rich heritage and some great memories.

Selah - An Indepth Study

Hebrew word “Selah” - Pronounced “SAY’ - luh”.   
Also spelled: Sela, (Grk): Petra, (Calah), Sala, Sal, Salal, Solela.  These words all have integrated meaning from the root word meaning to lift/lifted up.

The exact meaning has been debated since the second century.
Since the 19^th century, it has become the focus of a handful of publications exploring it’s meaning and function in the Psalms.  The unearthing of the Dead Sea Scrolls offered a clue in understanding it’s use in the *Second Temple period.

It appears that the meaning and function of our word Selah have been missing in action since antiquity.
The Vulgate (Latin version of the Bible) offers the even more enigmatic semper, which means always. 
The Septuagint translated this word to mean through the psalm, or inter-Psalmic – a division.

AS A VERB:  Strong’s Concordance states Selah is a live term in the *Second Temple Period.
What do you suppose they mean by a “live” term?  Read a little further and find out:

In Psalms & Habakkuk.  In Psalms, it appears 71 times in 39 Psalms.  Many of the lines that include selah use it as a conclusion or break in the stanza.  Thirty-one of these were directed to the choirmaster or director.  These uses easily reference selah as a type of musical instruction,  which strongly indicates that it represents a fairly common feature of Jewish worship, and particularly worship in the late Persian period. The use of this word was revived in the first century BC (says BDB Theological Dictionary), which makes it highly likely that the Jewish communities of the first century AD knew of it and probably used it, and that means we should expect to see it in the New Testament.  A key feature remains the achievement of a kind of mass-harmony. It seems to us that those Jewish communities enjoyed an ability to sing the way a flock of starlings may dance and pump: without central direction or plan but without anyone bumping into their neighbor.

 

In Habakkuk, it appears 3 times in Chapter 3:3, 9 and 13.  Here it calls us (as in most of the Psalms) to pause, reflect and praise God; to “lift up, exalt”.  It most commonly occurs per Psalm just once, or twice but it also occurs three times and once it occurs four times (in Psalm 89).

Haba. 3:9, In some translations “Selah” is omitted, in the original Hebrew, at the end of 9a and at the end of verse 13. 

Recent studies show that if we develop a mindset of gratitude it will improve mood, decrease depression and improve sleep. Our bodies were designed to give praise and thanks to God.  By living a life of selah, lifting up the Lord, that blessing returns to us.

AS A NOUN:  Sela refers to a “cliff or crag”.   Even when used to “lift up, exalt” it is a fitting definition for both the soaring cliffs of Petra (Greek for Sela) and the omnipotent God of Psalms, who deserves constant praise. 

Gen. 5:25, we find the name of MethuSelah, the oldest living man.  His name means “His Death Brings Desparing Rest”.  (Desparing means: unequaled.)  Selah can reference something unequaled.  The Flood came AFTER Methuselah died.  Can we see an unequaled period of devastation (or change), when there was a new beginning?  Could this also be the original meaning of the verb used in the Psalms to indicate a musical rest or a pause to praise?  The flood was a period of rest for Noah and his family.

Judges 1:36, refers to Sela as a place (a noun).

I Sam. 23:28, shows the word Sela as a place where Saul stopped pursuing David.  David went on to En Gedi (Oasis on west shore of Dead Sea) which is not far – both are in the southern and southwest area of the Dead Sea. Sela was Edom’s capitol.  Saul's search for David in Sela, was interrupted; could David have been hiding in the rock cliffs of Sela?

II Kings 14:7, references Sela as part of Edom (the capitol).  This verse could be transliterated as the king “took the rock by war”.  The meaning to Sela here is “rock”.  Selah was a specific city (possibly modern-day Petra), a stronghold noted in Edom.

 

Psalm 32:7, Selah highlights the very nature and character of God.  Good example in this verse: “hiding place” can reference Selah as a noun and “songs of deliverance” (praise of God) reference the word as a verb.  The overall message in this Psalm is one of human sin followed by divine deliverance.  (Sin = verb; deliverance = noun)

Isa. 16:1 references Sela as a place made of rock. 
Isa. 42:11 infers Sela is mountaintops. 
Isa. 63:1 references Edom, whose capitol is Sela.  Isaiah is describing the coming of Christ as vengeance for Edom’s persecution of His people.  (Will Edom/Sela shelter God’s people?)

Jeremiah 48:28, NIV says “rocks”.  Hebrew says “Selah”.  Greek says, “Petra”.  These three words reference the same thing: a place of rocky cliffs.

Daniel 11:41, predicts that Edom will be delivered.  Sela was the capitol of Edom.  Sela will be delivered.

Obadiah 1:1-3, Here Edom is referenced as having clefts of rocks – where Sela is.  It is easy to hide in the clefts of rocks.

In Habukkuk. 3:3, “God came from Teman (south of Jordan), from Mt. Paran.”  According to Rashi (a second century Hebrew historian) this references the giving of the Torah (the five books of Moses).  The Torah was given to Moses on Mt. Sinai.  We then conclude that Paran is another name for Sinai.  (Teman and Paran, are south of Judah, in Edom.  Edom is also in the area of Sinai.) 
* Simplify:  Mt Paran is in Teman – Torah was given from Mt. Sinai (also called Mt. Paran) – Both are in the southern area of Judah in Edom, who’s capitol city is Sela.
Different names of places are used possibly due to different times in history with different tribes and people inhabiting these areas and using variations of languages.

Haba. 3:19, In this verse, the term “high places” is referenced by some scholars as Sela.

Mt. 24:16, In this verse, the term “mountains” is referenced by some scholars as Sela.  (Matthew wrote in great detail to the Hebrew people.)  New Testament calls this Petra in the Greek. 

Lk. 21:1, Here, the word “mountains” is also referenced as Sela, by Bible scholars.  (N.T: Petra)

Rev. 6:15 & 16,  Scholars of the Bible interpret “rocks” and “mountains” as a reference to Sela just southeast of Dead Sea, which is in the south of Israel.

Rev 12:13 & 14 Read these verses with substituted words.  Interpretation: Dragon = Satan, woman = Israel, male child = Jesus, wings = airplane, wilderness = Sela, a time = one year, times = 2 years, half a time = six months. 

P.S:  Job 28:19, The price of wisdom, which is to seek and find answers in God’s Word, is worth more than pure gold.  The word “valued” (“compared” in the NIV is a mistranslation) is taken from “Calah” which is another term for Selah.  Is he saying, the place of Sela is of high value?   Also of great value is praising or listening for God (Selah as a verb).

My Research Summary:
Sela(h): noun = Sela, verb = Selah, Greek = Petra
For this word to be referenced so many times, it must be important.
Since it is hidden, is it a reference to the End Times and/or meant for us to “seek and find” a “pearl of great price” (as in Job 28:19)?

Sela was built during 3 periods: 18th century thru 2^nd century BC when it was destroyed by an earth quake; second century to 106 BC; and 106 BC to 363 AD.
Sela was the capitol of Edom (Heb: red); Edomites descended from Esau who had red hair. Gen. 36:43  
Mt. Seir is in Edom, southeast of the Dead Sea.  Gen. 32:3, 36:8,  Deut. 2:22.
Heb: Seir means “hairy” or “rides on the storm”.  Esau was known as being hairy with a temper.

Sela was capitol of Edom, land of Edomites, enemies of the Hebrew people, descendants of Esau.  God takes evil and turns it to good. 

Did David hide from Saul at Sela Before moving to the En Gedi Oasis?  I Sam. 23:25 & 28

As a verb it means a pause in prose where one listens and God speaks; His word is a resting place.
In Hebrew, as a noun, Sela means lofty, craggy rock, stronghold, cliff.  Jesus is our rock of safety.

 

The rocky cliffs of Sela (called Petra in the New Testament) glow golden red at sunset.  Dwellings and passageways are built into the walls with doorways and windows. There is only one way in and out; it is narrow.  This stronghold cannot be seen from the sky.

 

From the Hebrew alphabet (Alef-bet) the letters that make up the word, Sela, are hey, lamed and samech.  Hey (heh) references God’s grace.  Lamed (LAH-mehd) references a shepherd’s staff of protection.  Samech (SAH-mehkh) references a prop that lifts up.  Defining these letters in the word Sela/Selah we can define the word to represent the grace of God, the protection of our divine Shepherd and lifting up praise to both.

Question: Is the craggy cliffs of Sela where God will shelter His chosen people in safety during the tribulation?
AMEN

James, a Convert

 

In ICor.15:7, Paul states that Jesus appeared to His brother, James (original manuscript, Jacob/ "Ya'akov") after His resurrection. There is nowhere else that this is verified in the Bible.

 

> James was not a believer in his brother, Jesus, as the divine Son of God.

 

> James was a leader of the Jerusalem Council, Acts 15:13. Could he have had a hand in the death of his brother? Did he stand by and not protest the illegal trial? Was he not made aware of the secrecy of the trial? How did he feel about all the controversy surrounding his brother? What was it like to grow up with an older brother like Jesus? I don't know. (But, I do wonder.) So many details in the life and death of Christ we may never understand.

 

 

 

> James did become a believer as stated in the book of James, 1:18. And, his teachings echo those of his brother, Jesus.

 

> This shows me that Paul's statement is correct.

Why else would James have become a believer unless he witnessed the risen Christ. ?

Resurrection - Fact or Fiction

 When my church called for members of the congregation to read scripture on Sunday mornings, I volunteered and am called upon to do so every 4 to 6 weeks. I have been encouraged to make any short comment about the reading that I might feel appropriate and practiced with the music team prior to service.

> This week I was given ICor. 15:3 - 10 to read. These verses reflect Paul's comments to the Corinthian church about the number of people who witnessed Christ after His resurrection from the dead, focusing on the truth about the Good News.

 

* In Christianity, the resurrection of Jesus is the most compelling piece of evidence that He is Savior and the Son of God.  From the very first day,  the enemy has planted seeds of doubt regarding the resurrection.

 

> An interesting statement is that Jesus was seen by 500 people at one time - after His resurrection. I have heard this scripture before but never read where the event was documented in the Bible, so I went to seek it out.

IT'S NOT !

In deed, I went to search out the passages and there are none. What I did find was a lot of anti-Christ comments on how this proves He did not rise from the dead as our Savior and Son of God.

 

> This is ignorance at it's best. So many set themselves up in judgement of situations they know nothing about; never read or study. I dare any doubter to PROVE Jesus is NOT risen from the dead. There is more documentation to the contrary - if you open your eyes.

 

> Let me begin by stating ancient history does document Jesus as existing in ancient Nazareth.  The major question is that of His status as Son of God, Creator and Savior of mankind - His divinity.

 

> Then, let me state, He was dead when taken from the cross. This is documented with the statement that water flowed from His side when pierced with a Roman soldier's spear and witnessed by those present. This "water" is the content of the protective sac around the human heart. If the sac is pierced, a clear fluid runs out and the heart stops.

 

 

 

> There were many other encounters listed as witness accounts: Mary Magdalene was first Jn.20:11-17, Matthew tells that she was with another woman Mt.28:7-10, two followers on the road to Emmaus Lk.24:13-27, Apostles in the Upper Room Lk.24:36-49 and Jn.20:19-29 (Thomas was not present but other followers were), Thomas Jn.20:24-28, James (brother to Jesus) also stated by Paul ICor.15:7. Paul states his life changing encounter on the road to Damascus Acts9:1-19. He appeared again in the Upper Room Mk.16:9-19 to the 11 Apostles. 

 

> Let me also remind everyone that the Dead Sea Scrolls, The Apocrypha and the Agnostic books are incomplete. No one can be positive the encounter with the 500 witnesses did not happen; written documentation has just not yet been found. 

 

> John 20:29 Jesus tells Thomas of those blessed for belief - without physical evidence.

In John 20:30 & 31, John tells us of witnessing versus believing.

In Mark 16:14 we are again told of the blessing of belief without proof. 

 

> It is our FAITH in things not seen that will bring the greatest reward.

 

 

 

> Indeed, the benefits of knowing our Savior in our personal lives - finding Him within ourselves in the quiet moments, is what will bring us the greatest reward - that of knowing Him on a personal level.

Contemplating

Ever contemplate the sun?

 

Ever see what a marvelous wonder it is?

 

With images from the new telescope, pictures of this star are awe inspiring.

 

This is a huge ball of blazing gases floating in the vast Milky Way Galaxy that supports thousands of other stars. You can barely find it without a guide.

 

It has burned constantly and consistently for thousands (maybe eons) of years, providing heat, light, solar power and nutrients for all growing things - including us.

 

> Without it, life on earth would not exist.

> What suspends this blazing ball of flaming gas?

> Where do the gases come from to continually burn?

> What keeps them continually lit?

> What keeps the gases contained in an, almost, perfect sphere?

 

All Christians know the one answer to these questions.

Isn't He a marvelous wonder?

 

"Out of the north comes a golden glow, fearsome majesty surrounding God. Shaddai, whom we cannot find, whose power is immense . . . "

 

 

 

When God became fed up with Job's wining, He answered,

"Where were you when I founded the earth? . . . . Have you ever in your life called up the dawn and made the morning know its place . . .? Which way leads to where light has its home? and darkness, where does it dwell? . . . Can you tie up the chords of the Pleiades or loosen the belt of Orion? Can you lead out the constellations of the zodiac in their season or guide the Great Bear and its cubs? Do you know the laws of the sky? Can you determine how they affect the earth?" 

 Job 37:22 paraphrased thru 38:33

 

Let us all bow in humble adoration of our Creator, the one and only living God.

 

 

 

Signs of The Cross

 Thousands of years before Christ, God showed us the cross in the God ordered layout of the Hebrew encampment in the wilderness, and in the Cross nebula in the far reaches of the universe.

 

 

The Blood Covenant

 FOOD FOR THOUGHT: 

 

Most Christians understand that The Covenant between God and believers was sealed with the blood of Jesus on the cross.

Let's go a little deeper:

 

> The covenant is spoken of in the Old Testament. God made a covenant with Abraham to which the Hebrew people (who later became Israelites) are heirs in the spiritual kingdom. Where was the blood that sealed that one? Gen. 17:10 Circumcision would spill that blood on behalf of man. 

 

> Can we go back further? Was there a covenant with the first man? The first blood spilled in the Bible was God sacrificing animals to make clothes for sinful man and woman, Gen. 3:21. God uses animals to pay for man's sin. 

 

> God further demands human blood through child birth, Gen. 3:16. The physical blood required is not enough to kill. It actually contributes to human life. God is love.

 

> With Adam and Eve, God is showing us the need for blood - the first signs of His plan of salvation, through the cross. This is the blood covenant sealed by both man and God. 

 

> An agreement between two parties requires a payment of some sort from each party. God sacrificed a part of His creation (animals) throughout the entire Old Testament. Man and woman were also paying a price through circumcision and child birth (including a woman's menses, which makes birth possible); a blood covenant entered into by both parties. 

 

> Both man and woman needed to be included in the covenant agreement because each was created separately and each had sinned apart from the other. Genesis 2 and 3

 

> This may be why Abel understood the need for animal sacrifice, which was accepted over his brother's offering of crops; sweat of man's brow, his own effort (indicative of pride).

The practice of animal sacrifice continued throughout the Old Testament as did the blood sacrifices of man and woman.

 

 

 

> When Christ was born, human blood was spilled to bring Him into this world as a physical man and animal sacrifices continued in the temple. This began the second covenant for our eternal life. Christ paid the price 33 years later - adding His spiritual signature, in blood, to the bottom line of the covenant. 

 

> The blood of Christ was not human; His blood was completely divine - holy. The mother does not pass blood type to a fetus.  Animals cannot provide the pure blood required to pay for human sin. 

 

> Man continues to sin and so continues his/her part of the blood covenant through birth and circumcision. (Circumcision today is used as an aid to cleanliness. Although science proves this, we are loosing sight of the original purpose. God is using science to continue man's part of the covenant agreement. Ain't He clever?)

 

> So . . the First Covenant was with Adam. It was renewed with Abraham for the Hebrew Peoples. The Second Covenant was between Christ and all peoples who will believe in Him.

 

- Isn't this beautiful? God wants all to be saved to live forever. So well planned from the beginning of creation.

* Praise God for His all-encompassing love !

 

 

Easter/ Resurrection Break

 Took a break from blogging during the season of Passover and Resurrection.

 Spent my posting time on my Facebook page posting various aspects of the Crucifixion along with my distaste for the bunny..  If you think you might be interested, look me up on Facebook,  Linda Rous.  My page is public.

 These particular posts run between April 13 and April 19 of this year (2025) on my Facebook page.

 You will find information regarding Jesus in his last hours, The Supper, the crucifixion, the resurrection, bread of life, the sign on the cross, the Centurian, the tomb and more.

 

 

I'll be back soon with more from the editing of my book. 

* My book begins with the post on Dec. 30, 2024

See "Entertaining Angels Unaware"

Innocence Lost

Chapter 2, God Was Close

Part 1, Innocence Lost Cont'd . . .

 "Grooming" is what authorities call a child predator in the act of gaining the confidence of a victim.  Making friends with a child by sharing secrets, little gifts and touching that begins with innocent hugs or sitting on their lap.

My "grooming" had been ongoing for a few months as this new "Daddy" of a stepfather wormed his way into my emotional needs as a fatherless nine year old. Then, I remember the exact moment he made his move. We were alone in the kitchen with verbal teasing.

It started with a tickle.  Up to this point, I was the first of my siblings to eagerly accepted the new "Daddy" in our lives and the fatherly role he created for himself. Part of my cue I took from Mother who had accepted him completely as he slipped into his part of predator like a well trained thespian.  Interesting thought: his verbal teasing of my brother had a different tone than that with me - almost challenging.  Jerry seemed happy to have him around but there was no "click" with their relationship. 

He had pinned me up against the refrigerator and his tickling turned to groping with his hands under my blouse.  When he released me, the situation was very awkward as I tried to understand what had just happened.  I was now forcing my laughter - in case I was wrong. What else was I to do; confront a grown up?  I was only nine years old.  Was I mistaken?  Surely!  But no.  I was too dumbstruck to know what to do.  Our home had changed, Mother was happier, bills were paid on time and he was friends with Pop and my uncle.  These were not conscious thoughts in my young head but, rather, instinctive.  What had just happened?  Confusion, caution, fear and guilt ran through me.  This wasn't right.

It accelerated from there.  If I had known to protest and told on him, my entire life (my ENTIRE life and those around me) could have played out differently.  One defining moment in the life of a ten-year-old dictated how I would relate to men the rest of my life.  This was to affect, not only me, but how I related to men in my life and how they would relate to me in years to come.  

His behavior was not confined to the bedroom.  Frequently, he would make an excuse to take a drive in the car to the store, or to work to perform a forgotten chore.  I was frequently coerced to ride along.  For an adult to coerce a child is an easy thing.  There was never mention of a side trip; we would just go and come right back.  He could fool me with the promise of my brother going along but would change his mind when we were on our way out the door.  Mother never learned to drive and could not afford a car, so the only time there was family transportation was the couple years my stepfather lived with us.  This made a ride anywhere appealing - until I realized every excursion had the same agenda.

 

His abuse created a rage in me.  I began defying him at every turn, arguing continually.  He knew what I was doing at all times, badgering about how I did everything was his mantra; nothing was ever right.  He questioned everything I did and I did everything I could to defy him.  Physically standing over my shoulder and watching everything I did made me anxious.  He never let anything go, always harping on everything I did and everything I did was wrong.  I never had this sort of relationship with my mother, father or Pop.

Mother would frequently ask, "What's wrong with you?"  "Why can't you get along?"
"He does so much for us."  I even began arguing with her to defend myself.  I really hated that.  Prior to this marriage, we had an amazing relationship.  I adored my mother and lived to please  her.  Now, she thought I was deliberately being hostile.  I was but she did not know there was a reason. He was alienating me from my mother.

It was a common practice of his to wait for days, after I had defied him over something, until we had company.  In the middle of the visit, he would bring up my insolence and harp on it.  Public humiliation is something I detest to this day.  It is an entire suitcase of rage in my emotional baggage.

For sexually abused children, there is always a feeling of secrecy or fear of someone finding out.  Guilt is an overwhelming factor for a child.  In defense of abused children everywhere, guilt is the main issue.  A child's world is small and it centers on them.  Even as an unwilling participant, we take the guilt on ourselves.  We know it is wrong because of all the "shushing" and secret activities in the dark.  Secrecy creates guilt.  The bribery (he used to leave money on my nightstand after he was finished with me) was another clue that something was very wrong.  You don't get paid for nothing.

The thought of that money opens that baggage of rage in me to this day.  I hesitate to think I could have been encouraged to become a prostitute.  You think?  Instead, the  opposite occurred.   It has always been difficult for me to take money, or support, from a man.  For most of my life, I have needed to be financially independent.  Taking anything from a man left me feeling insecure and cheap.  A responsible man will want to provide for his wife and will have trouble accepting my sort of independence.  I insist on personal space, privacy and my own individual opinions. 

* To be continued . . . 

* This continuing story begins with the post on Dec. 30, 2024

See "Entertaining Angels Unaware"

 

 

Chapter 2: God Was Close

Part 1, "Innocence Lost"

Fathers, do not embitter your children - Col. 3:21 (NIV)

Do not have sexual relations with both a woman and her daughter - Lev. 18:17 (NIV)

> Snow falls quietly in massive, heavy flakes and crochets an opalescent blanket over the lawn. I'm warm inside as I watch from my office window. How silent and clean it is. Ever wonder how some people can live in such an amazingly wondrous world and only see the ugly?

> You will find this chapter disturbing; child abuse is always disturbing. Abuse of a sexual nature leaves canyon deep scars that never disappear.

> There is no need for details beyond what is needed to convey the meaning of the text. I will make every effort to keep my literary as tasteful as possible (if, in deed, it can be called "tasteful" at all). It would be great to inject some humor along the way, but the idea feels awkward in light of my subject.

> About the time I turned ten years of age, in an effort to provide her children with more, Mother remarried. It was a second marriage for her but a third for him. I don't think she truly loved him, not the way she loved my father. Not until this day; writing this text, at this moment, did I realize how much he looked like my father. Darken his hair and shorten him by six inches, they could have been brothers. He did lack the outward playful nature of my father.

> He had a good job and a car. We went on family trips. He made purchases at auction for the household and gifts for Mother. He was friendly with Pop. He didn't take us to church or say grace at the table. Looking back, I don't remember him ever saying anything about God - or Jesus. The family unit changed with a father figure at the head of the table during supper and breakfast on the weekends. Interesting: Pop had never took that seat preferring to stand and serve during meals. (I suspect Pop ate after all of us were finished.) He went fishing and hunting with Pop and my uncle who lived next door. His parents had a wonderful farm with lots of animals and I loved to visit there; darling, accommodating people.

10 year old author

> I was first to set the example of accepting him into a role that each of us children needed. I was the first to call him "Daddy". This thought sickens me today. That soon changed. I will not write his name because I came to detest the name whether borne by him or any other man. I came to sicken myself at his personal habits and preferences; like ketchup on eggs and sugar on tomatoes. To this day, I cannot bear to be in a room with a man smoking a cigar.

> This man made use of both my sister and me for a couple of years. There was never a thought on my part that he had involved her. As a child, I remember thinking, "At least he isn't bothering Karen". He frequently visited me at my bedside after the house was asleep and Mother was at work on late shift. Karen and I shared a room and that left her subject to my vocal pleas of "No, please don't, stop it, I don't want to." He would softly chasten, "Shhhh" "You'll wake your sister", "You'll wake your grandfather", "This is our secret." "We don't want anyone to know". "YOU"LL get in trouble."

* To be continued . . . 

* This continuing story begins with the post on Dec. 30, 2024

See "Entertaining Angels Unaware"

 

 

Chapter One, EPILOGUE

The memory of a moment stays with us for a lifetime - Unknown
 
We need not destroy the past, it is gone - John Cage
 
> It was the dawn of color television and the Howdy Doody show, Ed Sullivan, poodle skirts, saddle shoes, drive-in theaters, the jitterbug, jukeboxes and candy buttons on paper. The milkman delivered to your door and the family doctor still made house calls. Women stayed home, wore aprons and cooked Maypo for breakfast. It was convertible cars, the polio vaccine, home perms and Alaska became a state. It was Elvis, Mickey, Uncle Milty and American Bandstand. We caught pollywogs and fireflies, played hopscotch and jumped rope to Double Dutch. It was the magical time of childhood wonder and innocent discovery.
 
> Sorting through old photos and stirring memories reveals nothing especially noteworthy about my first eight years on this earth. My childhood seemed, then and now, not to be unlike any other child's.
 
> Adults have little understanding of the influence they possess on the lives of young children. In many ways, we become imprinted by those who are the strongest personalities in our young lives. It is said from birth to four are the years that set us on the course of who we will become. I am sure Mother, Pop and Mother Carmichael left their mark on me, in one way or another. Our development through early life is part nature but also part nurture.
 

I looked like a little boy without my bonnet.

> There were a few struggles for, and within, our little family. All families struggle with internal and external relationships. We learned give and take. Jerry and I were very close as children but, one occasion, our tempers were so riled during a physical altercation that we threatened each other with knives. Grandfather stopped that little drama before it turned tragedy. The next day, we were trying to fight each other's battles or defend against a common enemy. We grew through all of it.
 
> Back then, God was the invisible friend I talked to and the subject at church. My life was about friends, school, fishing, parakeets and dress up. Children are truly blessed to have their own world and a direct line to the ear of God. Children are indeed on God's priority list. Need prayer? Ask a child to intervene for you.
 
> We are tested daily. The greatest trial in my first nine years was overcoming not having a father. When a parent leaves or gives up a child, that child's small world insists this is their fault. Children take these huge burdens on themselves. Until he left, I was "Daddy's Girl". After he left, I craved the comforting male attention I had grown used to. This had a huge affect on my life for many years to come and is still part (albeit smaller) of my emotional baggage. He left an unfulfilled hunger in each of his children. My sister and I yearned for the paternal presence that is the role model for a girl's choice of male relationships. My brother just wanted a father's guiding hand and approval for a "job well don, son".
 
> A large part of my character is defined by my mother's heart. It cannot be explained any other way - example is a great teacher. What do we know of giving, if not witnessed by us of those we admire? What does anyone know of compassion without suffering?
 
> I believe that God listened to this child from the first time I called on Him, wishing upon a star in the night sky at the very early age of 4 years. He hears every word from the lips of a child. Let me state right here and now, there have been a few times when I felt lonely, but I cannot remember any moment when I felt alone - ever.
 
> There are no coincidences, no accidents in God's perfectly ordered universe.. Everything in the life of a believer happens for a reason. As you continue to read my story, you will see why I have come to believe this way. Our lives come together in the end for a divine purpose.

* To be continued . . .

* This continuing story begins with the post on Dec. 30, 2024

See "Entertaining Angels Unaware"

 

One Negative Thing

 The only negative . . .

thing I can say about Pop: he was a bigot. I remember some terrible stories he told and comments about other peoples that made us laugh and wince at the same time. Grandpa had been in the Second World War, and there was a family rumor that he had even been a member of a very well known subversive group. All his names for Italians, Germans, Black People, Japanese, and more, were new to us. (Interesting fact: Grandpa's family had roots in Creole country.) Even at our young age, we found his comments embarrassing though in the privacy of our own home. Mother is the only reason I can give that none of Pop's theories influenced us. She never saw any differences in human beings. We just accepted it as how Pop was; that was not us. We all make excuses for those we love.

 

I never knew him to go to church but for one of my weddings and his funeral. I never knew him to read the Bible or heard him say a prayer. To his credit, he never spoke against Christianity, though he had his own definite opinion of other religious sects. I can attest to him as a believer. I remember an occasional mention of God, or heaven when he talked to us. It was always matter-of-fact as though that is just the way it is; God is God and He is. 

 

> > > > > You do not have to be a saint for God to use you. < < < < <

 

Let me interject right here that I do not remember grace being said at our daily meal. A short blessing was given at large family gatherings on holidays. My husband and I do not begin a meal without thanks for and blessing on our food, at home or in public.

 

I adored my grandfather. Every time he left the house, I needed to go with him. I was his shadow, taking three steps to every single stride of his long gait. I hung on his every word and believed every story he ever told. He never took anything for himself and gave everything he had to Mother. His undershirts were riddled with holes and he went barefoot all summer. He wore white painters' pants that were spotted with a rainbow of color blotches. In just a couple years, he would save my sister and I from the greatest terror of our young lives.

 

Jerry and Pop were never as close as either would have liked but Jerry respected him. I remember comments my brother made as an adult; always with great respect and admiration for Pop.

 

 

 

What all of us learned and received from this man cannot be priced in any way. The wisdom he taught and the laughter he injected cannot be measured. I could tell stories for days from memories I would not give up for any prize. He lives on in our memories and through our lives. It broke my heart, years later, when he had to be admitted to a veteran's nursing home and this old man cried for me to take him home with me. (I find myself in tears just at this writing.) He died there from his third stroke - or giving up. I am so sorry, Pop.

 

There is no death, only a change of worlds. . . 

Chief Seattle, Duwamish Indian.

 

* This continuing story begins with the post on Dec. 30, 2024

See "Entertaining Angels Unaware"

More About Pop

STORY: There was a winter when Mother could not pay the gas bill for our three-story Victorian house. Pop put a door on the kitchen and turned on the electric stove to use the oven for heat. We heated water on the stove and washed in the sink. We ate, dressed and did our homework in that one room. At night, we scurried to a large bed upstairs, where the three of us kids pooled our blankets and shared the warmth.

Pop hated cards. He said that people always fight over cards and have even killed each other. Occasionally, we would get a deck of cards from the dime store to play games like fish and gin rummy. He allowed it until we started arguing over who was cheating - always my brother. Then he grabbed the cards and into the trash they went - until another deck came our way.

 

STORY: A couple boys had Jerry just outside our yard and were taunting him. He must have been nine or ten years old. Pop, Karen and I were watching from behind curtain at the kitchen window as they placed a stick on my Brother's shoulder and knocked it off. He was confused and humiliated and I felt so bad for him, but Pop would not intervene. When they were finished bullying, Jerry came in the house and Pop made it clear to him that if that ever happened again Jerry would get the whipping of his young life. Pop never made idle threats and Jerry knew it. A few months later, my brother came in holding one hand in the other. Grandfather stopped him in the kitchen and wanted to know what was going on. That's when my brother fearfully revealed his hand with two knuckles out of place. Pop pulled on his fingers to reset them while asking how it happened. Jerry had a disagreement with his best friend and had punched him. Pop was so proud, and my brother did not let anyone bully him from that day on. Oh yeah, he and Charlie remained best friends through the Vietnam war.

 

Pop told us he knew everything we said and did. He had eyes in the back of his head was how he put it. We believed it because - he did! It took me some time to realize that he spied on us at play. He would amuse himself by sitting around the corner and listening to us. He heard if we said a bad word, if we cheated at a game, what we argued about and learned all about each of us as individuals. He also used shiny surfaces to see us when his back was turned. Nothing got past that old man and we thought he was magic. 

 

Jerry, around age 12 - 13

 

STORY: About the age of eleven or twelve, my brother's friendship with Charlie had grown. Charlie had a father who smoked cigars and would drink himself to sleep on a weekend. After the household had retired for the night, my brother would climb out his bedroom window, down the drain pipe of the back porch, and go to Charlie's house where the two of them would wait for Charlie's "old man" to fall asleep (pass out). Once this was done, my brother and his friend would finish the whiskey and smoke the cigars. In the early morning hours, my brother would sneak back into the house by way of the old coal delivery door in the cellar. Pop became aware of pretty much all of this. On one of these occasions - I believe the last one - Pop waited for midnight and went to the basement to wait at the door of the coal chute. When Jerry came in, feet first, Pop grabbed his ankles and scared my brother so bad that he peed his pants and baptized Pop in the process. (It was a sprinkle baptism.) Of course, Pop let go and Jerry ran. In the morning, Pop found my brother asleep on the cold concrete of the front porch. He opened the door and Jerry came in - very sheepishly I might add. There was never a word said about the matter. My brother stopped sneaking out at night.

 

God must have blessed Pop for all he did for us, Mother and those to whom he shared the wisdom of Solomon before and after us. We became his life during that time; a kind of mission. The teachings and constant attention cannot be measured by mere love. Pop was God sent.

* This continuing story begins with the post on Dec. 30, 2024

No One Messed With His Grandkids

 And . . . no one messed with his grandkids.

STORY: During the time Pop had the pizza shop, we (Pop's grandkids) received a threat from a customer he refused to serve, when the man came in drunk. Every morning, Pop would walk us to school and came back in the afternoon to walk us home, carrying either his double-barrel shotgun, that put food on our table, or the two handle pizza blade that resembled a square machete - a very large one. This was open carry before open carry in a state that does not have that law. Pop really didn't care. In our neighborhood, word spread through stunned parents and children alike, the Kenner kids had a guardian angel. 

 

STORY: In previous text, I mentioned that Mother could never spank my brother; everything she tried backfired by breaking. Pop had an issue with my brother and told Jerry to go to the yard to find a switch so Pop could spank him with it. When seven-year-old Jerry drug a very large tree limb to the door, Pop laughed so hard that my brother got a reprieve.

 

 

 

On holidays that Mother either worked or socialized with friends, we would stay up late and have a family party. New Year's Eve and Fourth of July were great times for this. Pop would play the spoons and we would dance. He taught us old folk songs like "The Ol' Oaken Bucket" and "The Erie Canal". There was always a treat that he acquired with some change he managed to save from grocery money; a soda, chips or candy.

 

When we were younger, he was constantly on us to pick up our toys. He particularly hated the ones left on the stairs. We turned a deaf ear, as children do. Sometimes it was just that we forgot. Sometimes, it was just being lazy. We got home from school one particular afternoon to find our toys in the yard and it was raining. "Leave 'em there", he said and that was all that was ever said about the matter. The rain ruined the toys and we never left them underfoot again. Period.

 

He preferred psychology to physical discipline whenever possible and it worked. Children need guidelines in order to feel secure. Indeed, decades later, I used the same psychology on a couple step children at the time. Actions do speak louder than words.

 

When we got sick and couldn't sleep, we knew we could wake Pop and he would sit with us in the kitchen over a glass of juice or tea to pass the time, rather than suffer alone. "Don't wake your mother. She has to get up for work." Many nights were spent at the kitchen table listening to his stories of childhood. Sometimes, he would have a candy bar stashed away just for this occasion.

* This is what our Lord does. When you spend time with Him, it is always a treat.

 

This time was mainly for my sister and me. Pop and my brother had difficulty relating as Jerry got older. Jerry had trouble coming to terms with not having a father. My brother, and his dog, spent his adolescent years in his room with model cars and motorcycle magazines. He didn't get along in school and became solitary until he quit at sixteen. Mother agreed, as long as he got a job. He did - and bought a motorcycle. At seventeen, she signed the permit papers for him to join the Marines.

 

Continued . . .

* This continuing story begins with the post on Dec. 30, 2024

Eyes In The Back of His Hiead

One more person I want to relate to you before my story moves on from innocent childhood, is my grandfather who has had a profound influence on me.

 
I instruct you in the way of wisdom; I lead you in courses of fairness. Pro. 4:11

Blessed are those who find wisdom. Pro. 3:13

 
When our father left, we moved to the inner-city neighborhood I have previously mentioned. That is when Mother's father moved in. He practiced tough love, practical thinking and common sense. I was eight years old, headstrong and a bit spoiled. I had been "Daddy's girl" and put a lot of misplaced blame on my mother for him being gone. Children cannot understand the nuances of adult relationships in their small, self-centered worlds. I harbored some resentment for Grandfather in the place of male role model. 

He had moved in to tend to us while Mother worked. This man took on cooking and tending his three grandchildren while Mother earned a living for us. This created a form of role reversal in our home. This was a good lesson that just because you are born into male or female gender does not mean you can't take on roles related to, or competing with the other gender. I grew up with this as a fact of life. 

 
Everyone came to call him "Pop". He was respected by everyone who knew him. Whether you liked him or not, you respected him. His word was his bond. He looked you straight in the eye and shook your hand firmly. He was six foot in bare feet with massive hands, straight black hair and a hook nose. He was always squinting from the cigarette hanging from the corner of his mouth. Oh yeah, he had a firm protruding belly you could set a tray on but you could not call him "fat".

 
He was a retired house painter and was the first person to instruct me about primary colors and how to mix them. By the time I was ten, I could run a chalk line and cut a baseboard with the best of them. I took pride in being neat and never needed a drop cloth if there was a brush in my hand. To this day, I have the neatest art studio I have ever seen.

Pop was indeed an "angel in disguise". He saved all of us from lives misspent. No telling what Mother would have done without him. He served God by serving his children and their children. Before and after helping us, he had and did live with aunts and uncles helping them in much the same way. I don't know that he owned a Bible, but he never spoke irreverently about God and he did speak of Him.

 
STORY: Pop teaching himself to make pie dough is a memory that comes to mind. I don't remember if he had a recipe but that dough got the best of him for a long time before he finally mastered it. He would knead it and roll it, and it would fall apart. He would knead it again and again and it would fall apart again - or fall apart while he was rolling it out. I saw him, on more than one occasion, throw that dough across the kitchen. It would fall to the floor and he picked it up and rolled it again. "The heat will kill the germs," he said. That is what he always said when he was cooking. He hated waste - with a passion. Later, he taught himself to make bread dough that seemed to be easier for him - he didn't have to use that rolling pin.

 
I remember that he would eat anything, like cooked dandelion greens with fat back, fried mountain oysters and was very fond of sopping bread in bacon grease for calf brain sandwiches. Uugghh! No matter what was shot during hunting season or caught from the lake in the summer, we ate it. He detested waste.

 
He was self taught with the spoons, fiddle and harmonica. In deed, a great role model for being "self taught". He could cipher like a mathematician. He liked beer, occasional cheap wine and drank more as he got older. Pop had high blood pressure - no wonder. I wonder if the alcohol helped cut the cholesterol in his blood to be the only reason he lived as long as he did. 

Photos are Author, Brother Jerry, Sister Karen 
Circa: 1955 

 
This man put food on our table, turned all his pension income over to my mother, planted a vegetable garden, cultivated our grape vine and peach tree to make juice and jelly, brewed home made beer, canned, hunted and fished to put meat on our table. I remember picking buckshot out of rabbit and squirrel during supper. He taught us how to gig a frog, fish with a cane pole and gather mushrooms. He canned and fished in summer and hunted in winter. For several years, he opened a neighborhood pizza shop with pinball games and sub sandwiches. He mastered bread dough but gave up on pies.

 
To be continued . . . .

 This autobiography begins with "An Ordinary Childhood" posted Dec. 30, 2024

 

Grandmother's House Cont'd . . .

 

Grandchildren were never disciplined and allowed to run free on the "farm". On occasion, time was spent with children from across the road, running through the rows of corn with our imaginations right behind. We wandered great emerald jungles that would hide us until fireflies came out to play. The green apple tree was a favorite place while sitting on a limb with salt shaker in hand and a guaranteed bellyache to come. Green spiders were flicked off the mulberries as I sat among curtains of leaves and watched cars pass on the black top below. Mother would have had a coronary, if she had known. (She would have done her imitation of a flock of attacking birds.)

 

As stated earlier in my story, God was a constant companion.  I merely had to acknowledge Him to feel His presence.  In quiet solitude at grandmother's house, there was a lot of time to just "be in company of" my invisible friend.  He was there in the rows of corn, we shared mulberries and fed clover to the rabbits.  I was never alone; I ran with abandon without fear; my imagination soared beyond the clouds that built scenes of angel hair castles.

 

STORY: Chickenpox arrived when I was visiting Grandmother one winter. I remember a large galvanized tub she set up in the living room next to the potbelly stove. Into the water, which was heated one pail at a time, went baking soda and she poured it by the pitcher full over my lesions. Mother came to visit with one of the most unusual dolls I had ever seen; fourteen inches tall in a black and white nun's habit - rosary and all. ? (You remember: Mother sent the priest packin'.) Still strange to me. One thing about being sick: you feel so good when you are well again.

 

Grandmother would braid my hair and relate Indian folktales. Her brush stroke was so gentle and patient - not like Mother's. She was diabetic and shared her sugar-free ice cream which held a special attraction for me. I could eat an entire pint jar of her homemade pickles in one sitting with never a scolding. It was a magical world that was evidence of God in my life. Grandmothers can be such a special blessing.

 

 

 

 

STORY: I remember one visit in particular. My younger uncle was in his mid-teens, living at home and I was half his age. I used to torment him to get attention when outside excursions were called on account of rain or feeling restless. I was doing anything I could think of to take his attention away from his television program. The last time I did this, he carried me upstairs to his bedroom, laid me face down in the middle of his bed and pulled my panties down.  He then proceeded to rub his member between my thighs. I made such a commotion that he let me up. I ran and my visits to grandmother began to taper off.  On the couple remaining visits, I made it a point to know where my uncle was at all times so I could be sure to avoid him.  I was in my adult years before I related this story to my sister. Guess I felt like I asked for it. Guilt is a difficult thing for a child to cope with.  And, this has always been difficult for me to understand.

 

My uncle was a pubesic teen age boy is my excuse for him.  But this incident robbed me of a joyful part of my childhood.  I was now banished to the inner city of a crumbling neighborhood where we were no longer allowed to leave the safety of our own small yard.  No more running through emerald cities or climbing trees.  No more feeding clover to rabbits or drinking well water from a rusty ladle.  No more hours spent alone with my imagination or tales of illusive Indians.  Most of all, no more sitting with those gentle hands braiding my hair.

 

Diabetes was taking Grandmother's eyesight. She read her Bible cover to cover and back again, until the magnifying glass no longer worked for her. She and Grandfather were never divorced but they did not live together in my lifetime. 

 

 

 

Years later, Grandfather had three strokes over a period of several years. It was so sad for me to see him wither into such a frail person. It was just a few weeks after he died that Grandmother was taken to the hospital for exploratory surgery. She was failing fast and no one knew why. The doctor found cancer in her liver and sent her home to be with her family. She did not linger. Doctors could not understand why she never complained of any pain. To this day, I believe she withstood everything as long as Grandfather was alive. When he was gone she no longer cared to be here. You cannot chose who your heart will love.

 

To be continued . . . . .

* This autobiography begins with "An Ordinary Childhood" posted Dec. 30, 2024